December 14, 2009

• Here are some more things I’d be happier without.

• Fantasy Football.  Keep the goings-on of you imaginary world to yourself, and please respect the fact that my fantasies never involve the actions of sweaty men.

• People who chose to get upset when someone wishes them “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” (or vice versa).  Lighten up!  Someone wished you well, not punched you in the face.  Get over it.

• Anyone who prefaces an insult with phrases like “With all due respect” or “I’m just saying.”  With all due respect, you’re an a-hole.  I’m just saying.

• Tiger Woods and the “ladies” who bang him.

• People who take a dump at work.

• Viewers of shows that reward bad behavior with fame.  At first, I thought I just wanted to get rid of programs like “Tool Academy” and “Bad Girls Club.”  But then I realized that if an audience for such nonsense still exists, they’ll just come up with more shows that are even worse.  So it’s the people watching that needs to go away.  While we’re on the subject, the other thing that needs to go away is people with a desire to be on such shows.  If you end up on a show like that, you should be as embarrassed as if you were handcuffed, face down in the gutter on COPS.  Or Jerry Springer.

• People who mispronounce “et cetera” as “ek cetera”.

• When a woman asks me which shoes I like better, so I tell her to hold them behind her ears so I can decide, and she gets upset with me.

• Mac users who are smug about their choice of computers.  Which is to say, Mac users.  Let’s make a deal, OK?  You don’t tell me about the superiority of your computer, and I won’t tell you about my last bowel movement.

• Nancy Grace.

• Midget porn.  And come to think of it, why don’t pornographers refer to it as “Little People Porn?”  Is it because midget porn sounds dirtier and more exploitive? 

• Hardrock, Coco, and especially Joe, that bastard. 

And I’m just warming up